Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
