Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
