Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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