Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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