i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
