I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
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Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
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