Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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