dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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