Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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