I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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