What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
