I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
