1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
