I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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