I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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