if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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