I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
