I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
