you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
