New low: just hacked my moms facebook
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
