There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
