I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
