I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I will pee on everything he values.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
