No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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