I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
