she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
