Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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