Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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