I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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