The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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