Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
