Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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