don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
