You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
