I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
