I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
