Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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