If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
