I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
