I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
