dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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