I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
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