I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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