I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
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