I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
