hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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