My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
