so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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