I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
