i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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