Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
