i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
