I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
