I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
