just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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