If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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