I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
