The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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