can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
