You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
