My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
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We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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