I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
