I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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